Ten pieces of advice for Kate Middleton

NOTWITHSTANDING the palaces, jewels and pastel couture frockery, I reckon it’d be a right pain being the Duchess of Cambridge.

There you are, curled up on the sofa watching Game of Thrones with Wills and wondering if you can get through the next five minutes of dwarf sex before you have to express a feed, when the phone rings.

It’s the Queen.

“My dear,” she says. “I’ve been thinking about your skirt lengths for your forthcoming visit to Australia.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Well dear, it’s the nation that produced Kylie, and that hideous squawking cockatoo Kathy Lette, and that funny little man who painted my portrait and is now in a bit of bother …

“Rolf Ha…”

“Yes, him. Well dear, I know it’s hard to believe but they’re very conservative down there so I suggest no higher than two inches below the knees and please pop over and borrow some pearls.”

In my extensive royal experience — twice seeing Princess Diana and owning a silver jubilee tea cup — I believe that reported directive from the monarch is poppycock and about as likely as Her Maj suggesting to Prince Philip they cull their corgis. But there’s no doubt advice will be coming thick and fast as the royal couple count down to their April visit. Leave the poor girl alone, I’m inclined to say, but I’m a frustrated agony aunt so here — my 10 tips to Kate to ensure a ripper of a royal visit.

Read the rest of this column here.